


Toy

by Qrowcane (timaeustestifiedsilence)



Series: The Greatest Weapon There Is [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, F/M, Other, Slightly altered universe, Suffering, hello naughty children it's angst time, sorry - Freeform, starts off slow then explodes like a supernova, y'all know you love this stuff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-26
Updated: 2016-08-16
Packaged: 2018-07-26 23:32:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7594651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timaeustestifiedsilence/pseuds/Qrowcane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Allura's not the one captured. It's Shiro - again. He's dealt with the Galra before, he can deal with them again. He can escape from them again. The Galra have other ideas, though. They had their fun messing with the Earthling, making him their experiment, and now, he's no longer The Champion; he's the unstable, powerful weapon - their toy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Trust

**Author's Note:**

> This started off as an angst idea for a fic request from an anon that evolved into an even bigger angst idea for an even bigger fic.

Lasers chased after them like a dog chased its tail, each one coming closer and closer. The screeching of the sirens made it hard to think but through it all, Shiro was able to keep one thing on his mind:  _escape._ Even as he slammed his hand on the scanner to close the bay door, the Galra soldiers came sprinting after. Just when it seemed that the door would close, that the soldiers would be locked out and he and Allura would be free to escape, a hand shoved itself through, and the door began to be pulled open. 

Without a second thought, Allura tossed her gun aside and ran to push the doors together. Her formidable strength was nearly a match for the three soldiers opposing her - nearly. 

Shiro snapped out of his fear induced daze and dashed over to help, slowly sealing up the door with his Galra hand. It was working! A minute or so and the whole thing would be sealed. The hissing of the sealing drowned out all the other hectic noises of the area - all but the pained grunts of Allura, still struggling with the door. 

"It's taking off!  _Get in the pod!_ " Her loud voice nearly shattered his concentration.

"I'm  _not leaving you!"_  He contended, willing his arm to move faster. The doors of the pod started to hum shut, driving him only to push harder.

A strong hand grabbed at the armor by his neck, lifting him from his spot at Allura's feet. "You _have_ to!" And suddenly Shiro was no longer kneeling - he was being lifted in the air and thrown away like a necklace from a father who promised he'd come back. He grappled at anything he could, door ground  _feet._ Allura's throwing momentum was thrown off by Shiro grabbing her, and her strength backfired. Accidentally letting go of Shiro, Allura ended up flinging herself away several feet and rolling into the pod. Its door fixed itself shut, leaving Allura helpless as she banged on it. "Shiro!... _why_?"

Looking up at her from the ground, Shiro merely shook his head. The look that he had in his eyes was both a look of resignation and determination, and through the grimacing of the soldiers roughly hauling him up and away, he gave Allura a reassuring smile that seemed to say,  _"Don't worry about me. It'll be fine."_

And as Shiro faded into the shadows of the ship, Allura's disbelief melded into anger. "That stupid,  _stupid_ man! He should have just gotten in the pod and left me! I...I'm...RRR _AAA_!" A kick to the wall, a punch to the window. "I'm  _stronger than him!_ _I could've handled those soldiers and whatever they did to me!_ " Her temper tantrum did nothing, meant nothing. The anger was nothing more than a mask for her fear.

"You stupid, brave, selfless man. You may have built yourself back up again from the rubble they made you, but...they'll break you, Shiro. Your castle of glass will shatter and I wo _n't be able to put you back together!_ " Haltingly she slid to the floor, sobs and gasps ripping free from her chest, from the Galran armor she donned.

 

* * *

 

When the Green Lion pulled up and Allura stumbled in, the paladins cheered.

"Shiro did it!" Hunk cried, throwing his arms in the air. Lance snatched Allura into a hug and squeezed her tight.

"Good to see you again, Princess!"

But the air felt off. The crinkled eyes and wide smiles turned to half-dropped jaws and wide, searching eyes as Allura pushed Lance away.

Hunk's arms fell to his sides as he slowly realised the situation. "Allura? Where's Shiro?"

Keith and Lance searched behind her as if Shiro was her shadow. Pidge scanned the immediate surrounding space like Shiro was floating outside, ready to politely rap on the lion's head to ask if anyone was home and to please let him in. 

There was nothing. There was no one there. It was Allura and Allura alone.

"Allura."

"I heard you the first time, Hunk." Allura all but snapped. The yellow paladin jumped at her tone of voice and stuttered an apology. She hung her head in shame, not meaning to lose her temper, nor to take her frustrations out on the others. "He sacrificed himself to save me."

Pidge choked. "So he's  _still on that ship?!_ " 

Keith chimed in. "The ship headed straight to Zarkon? To probably the most dangerous place in the universe?" Allura nodded slowly.

All fell silent. To go after Shiro would be suicide, but to leave him...

"I know...I know that everyone is in disbelief. I know that the first thing on your minds is to go after Shiro, but..." She sighed, pulling at her hair. "But we can't go after him. We'll get ourselves killed, and 5 dead bodies and Coran piloting the castle will do no good."

"But princess --"

A sharp wave of her hand silenced Pidge. " 'But princess' what? Shiro...broke out before. I know he's capable of doing it again. Shiro is strong!" Allura puffed her chest out and stood tall. "Shiro is stronger than all of you! He'll be back soon, you'll see. He'll be back soon..." But as she told the others that, told herself that, her hope deflated. Had she made the wrong choice? 

The paladins remained solemnly silent as Pidge flew them back to the castle. Once inside, Allura separated herself from the group and half ran to her room. The door had barely slid shut behind her before she collapsed onto her bed and buried herself into her lush blankets. Shiro's smile was burned into her eyelids, a smile that she could clearly see before her even when her eyes were closed. She left him there...and now she wasn't going after him. Surely, if it had been her, Shiro would have immediately gone after her. 

Was she making the wrong decision by not doing for Shiro what he would do for her? But no, she needed to have more faith in him. He was no boy, not anymore - he knew how to take care of himself. Right?

"I hope I didn't make the wrong choice, Shiro...forgive me."

The castle drifted further away from Shiro, but Allura's thoughts were planted firmly in the past.

 

* * *

 

"Get up." **Kick**. "I said, get  _up_." **Slap**. Shiro didn't move. "What, are you stupid or something?" **... ... ...** "Alright. Whatever. I was gonna take you to get food but if you want to starve then hey, feel free."

The Galra soldier walked off, grumbling about how no one ever listens to him. Even as the cell door slammed, Shiro didn't stir.

His only salvation was the small window at the back of the cell; it offered a bleak peek into space, but it was better than the dark walls, lit with purple shining through the barred door window. Getting over to see through it was more of a struggle than it needed to be, considering the fact that his feet were chained together, with his hands cuffed behind his back.

Only one thing was on his mind. Not the pain he was in, not the fear of the Galras, not the ever looming flashbacks. No, it was the prayer that Allura hadn't decided to come after him. He could get out of here on his own. If she was the one in the cell, yes, he would have been boneheaded enough to go after her, but he trusted that she was smart enough not to come straight to Zarkon. 

He trusted her to trust him.

 


	2. Reprogramming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Repit sar?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a bit of a warning...if you've got a weak stomach/are sensitive to graphic depictions of death then uh, don't read the last part of the chapter.

What time was it? He didn't know. How far was he from the others? He didn't know. Who's boots were those, standing right in front of him? He had an idea...

A chuckle rumbled out of the dark. "Ah, if it isn't my best friend, my  **favorite** human,  _The Champion_. Or, as your puny colleagues call you, 'Shiro'."

"What do you want, Sendak," Shiro muttered, voice barely more than a whisper.

The Galran tutted. "What was that? I think I heard my name, but I believe you meant Commander?"

"What do you want, _Commander._ " His voice was sharp now.

"Much better. First of all, I want you to _look_ at me." Instead of complying and making things easier on everyone, Shiro instead spat on Sendak's boots. The alien's nose crinkled in disgust, and his hand found a hold in Shiro's hair. Yanking the paladin's face to his, he growled, being sure to breathe his foul breath all over it. "If you're going to give me a hard time, I'll make sure Haggar's especially rough with you when you go in for treatment today. I was originally planning to just tell her to give you a little roughing up to make you alert, but now I think I'll just tell her to...have  _fun_." 

Sendak released Shiro and made sure to smash the man's head against the very solid wall, enjoying the grunt of pain that followed. "Enjoy your stay, paladin. Mull over your thoughts while they're still _yours_."

 

* * *

 

Coran rapped his knuckles lightly on the princess' door. Waiting yielded no response. "Princess? Princess, are you there? It's time for dinner. I know that perhaps you aren't in the greatest state of mind at the moment, but you must eat. There isn't much you can do to help when you're weak from hunger. It'll put off your concentration as well." Still, she remained silent. Whether she was truly asleep or just blocking everything out, Coran couldn't tell. "The other paladins would like to speak to you. I've got a feeling that they may be able to comfort you in ways I cannot..." When Allura still didn't respond, Coran backed off and headed towards the kitchen. Halfway down the hall, though, he heard the hissing of a door, and he smiled to himself. While the princess may be stubborn, she wasn't illogical. Her mountain was tall but it could be moved if you gave it time. 

A few moments after Coran plopped into a chair, Allura ghosted into the room, warmly greeted by the paladins. Hunk nudged a plate over to her and she graciously took a few bites before gently pushing it away. Her eyes drifted to the empty seat to Hunk's left. Hunk's eyes followed hers and stared at the seat for a few moments before sighing.

"So, uh. Princess. What's up?" Lance bumbled, awkwardly clearing his throat. Keith shot him a dirty look and smacked his arm. "Agh! Ok ok stupid question. Look, princess. You know Shiro. Strong dude. Real smart. He knows how to deal with the Galra. He'll be back in a tic." Allura nodded absentmindedly.

"If this situation were reversed and you were there and Shiro was here, he would have gone after you already. You know why?" Keith asked. Cerulean blue eyes met his violet ones. "Because although Shiro is a smart man and a good leader, when it comes to someone he really loves, he's impulsive and won't take no for an answer. The reward of saving them out-ways the risk of losing everything."

Allura blinked in confusion, brows furrowing. "Keith, what...what are you saying?"

He wasn't quite there when he answered, eyes and mind preoccupied by memories from the past. "I'm saying that you need to continue being the level-headed one, thinking of the big picture and not just the here and now. Let him be the warrior - you need to be leader."

The already silent room fell into a deadpan. Keith and Allura were locked into a staring contest of knowing and confusion, the others looking at each other in equal amounts of confusion. Whatever had just transpired was something that meant a lot to Keith, and was a wake-up call to Allura.

After a few heartbeats the silence was broken by Allura's chair screeching as she abruptly stood. "Well! That settles it. No more brooding about it. How does training sound to distract us for the time being and to ready us for the battle surely soon to come?"

The paladins cheered and followed Allura to the training room like ducklings after their mother. 

"I'm gonna kick your butt, Keith." Lance bragged, jabbing the red paladin's mullet.

Keith whipped around and twisted Lance's hand behind his back. " _Try me..._ " he growled.

Allura laughed nervously, "Now now, boys. Save it for the training room."

 

* * *

 

_"...I'll make sure Haggar's especially rough with you when you go in for treatment today."_

Treatment could mean any number of things. It could mean they would be pumping him full of drugs. It could mean they were simply just going to mess with him. Treatment  _did_ rhyme with experiment, after all.

The cell door shuddered open, revealing none other than Commander Sendak himself. "Get up, filthy human. It's time I take you to your treatment." Shiro rose unsteadily, the wall supporting him more than his legs. "You should be  _honored_ that I'm personally escorting you." Shiro scoffed, earning a smack from the commander. He attempted to bite him, the result being his nose getting broken. Sendak tugged Shiro after him by his white tuft, taking care to walk much faster than needed.

Left, right, left, right. Shiro stumbled into the walls and was slammed into the corners at each turn. Normally his mind would have been racing, thinking of a way to escape or a way to fight back. But now, there was nothing on his mind. His thoughts had fled from him - even the good thoughts; victories with the other paladins, relaxing under the stars.......Allura comforting him when the flashbacks tore him down. There was nothing. 

He was brought back to the present by the sensation of straps tightening onto his wrists and ankles, and then around his torso and legs. "What are you doing?" He demanded. Sendak guffawed, noise filling the small room.

"Do you really think I would  _tell_ you? No, no. I'll leave you to figure it out yourself." He exited the room to make way for the other Galran that seemed to be there, in the shadows. The way that the purple lights darkened and the air grew colder told Shiro all he needed to know.

"Come to make a mess of me again, Haggar?" Shiro murmured, not even turning his head to look at the witch.

Her robes shuffled with her feet, coming to a stop when she place her hands on Shiro's cheeks. "Not bad for an  _alien_ ," Haggar snickered, yanking on his ears, "I'd say that I feel bad for what I'm about to do, but then I remember how much stronger I'm going to make you..."

Shiro didn't even have time to process her words before his vision went white and his head began to hurt. Whether he screamed or not, he had no clue; either the whole ship could hear him, or the only one that knew his pain was him.

 

* * *

 

Everything was white. There was no ground, or ceiling, or any walls. Shiro was in the midst of it all, unchained and unknowing. Then color came flooding in from every direction. It filled the white with the colors of Allura's castle until it seemed he was inside of it. For a heartbeat he dared not move nor breathe, but a distant 'clang' spurred him to get moving. 

"Allura?" He called, jogging down the halls. "Keith? Lance?......Anyone?" He jogged past their rooms, the kitchen, the bays where the lions were kept. He knew they had to be in the training room, and the realization that none of what he was seeing was real only worsened the bad feeling in his gut. The door to the training room was bent open, and as Shiro slipped in he was immediately knocked down.

"Look who we have here- _we have here-_ look who decided to show up- _show up_." The one that pinned him to the ground spoke with a voice Shiro recognised as his own. It sounded a bit robotic and repeated things like it was a scratched record, but the voice was his. Suddenly he was flipped onto his back and was face to face with a yellow eyed, face-splittingly grinning version of himself. "It's you! You're me, I'm you- _me I'm you_!!"

Banging on a distant door tore his eyes away from his monstrous self.

"Shiro!" It was Allura. Allura and the paladins and  _how was she hurt, who hurt her? All of that blood couldn't just be hers._ "Shiro, please! I don't understand what's going on but please, you have to get rid of that, that....bad version of you!" Her eyes were wide like saucers, staring daggers at the other Shiro.

"Shut it, space freak. Can't you see I'm talking here- _here, here-_?"

Rage that Shiro wasn't quite used to surged through him and possessed him, brought him to lurch up and smash his face into his duplicate's. He grabbed the surprisingly light duplicate and tossed it off to the other side of the room. "I'll help you!" Shiro yelled, voice ragged. Allura's banging began to slow and her eyes fluttered shut. " _Princess!_ "

Throwing open the door revealed much more of a mess than Shiro could handle. The stench of blood confined to such a small locker room choked him and he couldn't help but vomit there in the doorway. Bodies, bodies, everyone's dead body. Allura was no longer the panicked one banging on the door - she was splayed on the floor with her neck the wrong way and her eyes all glassy. The other paladins were seemingly positioned on the benches. "Nn..o no  _no_!"It couldn't be real. It was simple. It couldn't be real. But the stench was too much and the ache in his heart was too much it  _had to be real_.

"This is what you did- _you did **you did**_." A voice whispered in his ear. His duplicate had gotten back up and was leaning his head on Shiro's shoulder. "I am you and you are me. This is what you did." There was a bright flash and his mind froze for a few seconds. When he could see again, the duplicate was gone. Shiro slumped over and collapsed to the floor, head in hands. He pulled at his hair and hit himself, wondering how how how? 

Waves of the smell hit him again as he pulled his hands away, only to reveal his hands covered in blood. His eyes trailed over his arms, torn ( _torn?_ ) shirt, pants. They were all covered in blood. A glimpse in a mirror blinded him; yellow orbs looked back in place of his human brown. 

The duplicate was gone. There  _was_ no duplicate. It was just...him?

And again, his vision flashed.

Back in his cell.

There was no blood on him. His eyes did not glow. But he still had the memories, the sickening memories. He had the memories of attacking Allura and the paladins and it all seemed so vivid, but it also...didn't feel completely wrong.

 _"You've got to kill them."_ A voice whispered, barely audible in his cell.  _"Kill the princess, injure the paladins, bring them back. Make Voltron the weapon of the Galra. Repit sar."_

Then it was gone. It was such an absurd thought, something than belonged only in perhaps, Zarkon's dreams, yet it was floating around in Shiro's head.

He held his head in his hands, shook it, shook it like he could undo whatever Haggar had done, but even as he did, repit sar was like bile at the back of his throat.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wo hoho. hoho. Was that.....hinted at sheith???


	3. True Colors

It was...it was daily, now. Shiro got this treatment daily. The first few times it was the same; his alter ego of sorts had trapped the other paladins, and when he got to them they were dead - and then he was his alter ego. That waking nightmare alone was plenty, plenty to push him over the edge, but Haggar seemed to be enjoying herself, and she continued manufacturing more ways to break him.

Tuesday marked a week that Shiro had been there. It also marked the beginning of a new series of treatments. Through the course of his stay, Haggar had managed to pry from his mind the fact that he had a very large soft spot for Allura. She'd found his secret stash of happy memories and happy hopes, and before Shiro knew what was going on, they were being exploited, and Allura was no longer the sweet Altean he remembered.

* * *

_"Shiro...Shiro can you hear me?"_

It sounded as if he were underwater. He heard the voice but he couldn't reply, couldn't move because his limbs felt like lead and all he wanted was rest.

_"Shiro! I know you're in there. Please, just open your eyes!"_

The voice was so familiar...he cracked his eyes open to find he was lying on his side in a dimly lit room. A person knelt down into view. They pushed his hair back to study his face before breaking into a grin.

"Allura?" He croaked. The princess nodded gleefully and gathered him in her arms.

"Gods, I was so worried about you! You just appeared, right here in the middle of the kitchen!"

"I...what?" The thought that he was free began racing through his head. Had the Galra let him go? Had they done their damage and simply gotten bored with him? It seemed too good to be true, but the tighter Allura wrapped her arms around him, the easier it was to just let the thought go and enjoy the present.

"It's good to have you back, Shiro." Her voice was soft and her gaze was endearing; the hand that brushed the dirt from his cheek was warmer than his half-dead heart. "The other paladins are here as well."

Looking away from the princess, Shiro could see the teens emerging from the shadows of the kitchen. Hunk and Pidge gave him sheepish smiles; Lance wiggled his eyebrows and waved ecstatically while Keith simply smiled. They took turns giving him hugs and Shiro swore that in that moment he was the happiest he'd ever been. Even as they stepped back and took seats around the kitchen they continued to smile, and Shiro felt an impish grin growing on his face as well.

After a long while of peace and quiet, Allura sighed and gently pushed him away before getting to her feet. "Sadly, we cannot lounge about all day. You and I have some very serious matters to tend to, Shiro."

He groaned loudly as he dragged himself into a standing position, rubbing the back of his head. "Serious? In what way?" He chuckled.

Allura's smile faded from her face and was replaced with a sneer.

"How could you not know? Think, Shiro. You up and  _left us_ for a  _week_. We had no idea where you went - you didn't even take the black lion. No, you took an escape pod and flung yourself out into the middle of nowhere, to where we couldn't track you." She had drawn herself up to her full height and then some, because she now towered over Shiro. Her arms were crossed and the glare she gave him made him shrink into himself.

"What are you talking about? Do you not...do you not remember what happened? On the Galra ship? There were soldiers on the other side of the door and you tried to throw me into the escape pod but you ended up throwing yourself in? I got recaptured by them." As he spoke, Allura shook her head. "How do you not remember?"

"I don't remember because that's  _not what happened!_ " She spat, poking him in the chest. "Don't try to make up stories, Shiro. I know what happened. The other paladins know what happened. You _left_ us." All the while she spoke, Allura backed Shiro into a corner. Her sudden bout of rage terrified him, went against everything he knew about her, went against all logic. Her voice grew to a snarl and all kindness was lost - she sounded like a monster. "Stupid man! Stupid,  _stupid, **stupid man!**_ " And suddenly she backed off.

Shiro looked to the others helplessly, but they too wore masks of anger.

"Hunk, hey, Hunk! Look, I...I don't know what's going on here but look, I'm sorry!" He pleaded, creeping forward. 

Hunk stepped back, "Sorry doesn't cut it. Don't talk to me, Shiro."

So instead he turned to Keith and Lance who stood side by side, empty eyes locked with his. "Lance, Keith...come on! Just think! Why would I do something like that?"

"Don't try to reason with me, space man," Lance said, voice bored, "It won't work." Keith wouldn't even say anything - he just looked Shiro up and down like he was a stranger.

Now there was only one person left in the room. "Pidge! You're the smart one here. Please!"

At first his words seemed to get through, and as Shiro stepped closer, Pidge seemed less angry. But then she suddenly shoved him away, trembling. "You left my brother and my dad there! If you helped yourself, you could've helped them too! I don't know why you did any of this, Shiro. Just...just stay away from me!" She shoved him again and Shiro stumbled back a few steps before falling into the middle of the room. 

Suddenly they were all around him, all speaking at once.

"We trusted you, Shiro."

"Why would you do something like that?"

"You  _know_  how much we care about you, Shiro!"

"How could you leave us like that?" 

"What's  _wrong_ with you?"

"Don't lie to us!"

They circled closer and closer and their voices grew louder in his head. Even as he covered his ears, everything got louder.

_"How can we trust you anymore?"_

_"What if you leave us again? What if you don't come back? What if we can't find you?"_

_"The Galra? Did you leave us for the Galra?"_

_"You went to the Galra! You reek of guilt. You told them everything you know about us and Voltron, didn't you?"_

**_"You went to the Galra!"_ **

**_"You're a traitor!"_ **

**_"How could you do this to us?"_ **

**_"What if you do it again?"_ **

**_"Traitor! I hate you!"_ **

**_"I hate you!"_ **

Those three words echoed in his head. He knew they had to be wrong - he knew what he did, he knew what happened! They'd just...become disillusioned somehow. They weren't thinking logically. But then again, Shiro trusted them, trusted them more than himself more often than not. They couldn't be right, he couldn't be a traitor because he was captured, he didn't  _give_ himself to the Galra.  

But even as the logic swirled in his head, the things the paladins yelled swirled in there too, and Shiro had a hard time separating the two.

* * *

It was a long time before Shiro was fully awake again. The treatments were becoming more frequent than just daily - sometimes, as soon as he came out of a nightmare he was put right back into another one. It seemed he was never awake, never in his real mind. He couldn't even think clearly about escaping, or how the paladins might be doing. It was all muddled with the names they called him, the distrust they had for him.

Shiro was numb. He didn't even notice it when the shackles were removed from his hands and ankles, and when he was put into an escape pod he thought it was something like an elevator. The space shooting by the solitary window didn't register with him.

The anger, the pure  _wrath_ shown to him stung like salt in a wound. Shiro was so frustrated over the fact that the paladins wouldn't listen to him when he said that he was captured. He was frustrated and confused over the fact that even Allura refused to listen to him, that Keith refused to talk to him, that Hunk refused to look at him. He was hurt and confused because he just  _couldn't understand them_. 

A door hissed open. It was the door to the escape pod he was in. Shiro stumbled out of it into bright lights, blinking back tears. When his eyes adjusted to the onslaught of light, he noticed Allura a few feet away, with Coran and the other paladins huddled together behind her.

No one moved or said anything for a long time. They stared each other down like they were in a mid-western duel, not even wanting to blink. Finally, Allura came forward, arms outreached. Shiro was tempted to lean in for a hug, but the image of her snarling at him flickered across his vision and he quickly stepped back. Distrust flooded him as the others attempted to come closer.

"Shiro, we won't hurt you. We're just glad that you're back!" Keith said gently.

"No you're not!" He snapped. Keith jumped back with a start. Anger was suddenly boiling up in Shiro. "Don't act all innocent! Don't play games with me! I know what you're all thinking. You all seem to think I'm a traitor. I might as well just go back to them!" He babbled.

The vitriol that they had spewed flooded his mind and made it hard to think. Had they really said those things? It was mean and uncharacteristic of them, but it all seemed so real...

Again and again, the images of the others yelling at him flashed in his head. It was just a matter of time before the facade was broken and they showed their true colors, wasn't it?

He was so betrayed, hurt, angry. He wanted to wipe the smug look off of Lance's face, he wanted to slap the  _fake_ caring look on Allura's. They were just faking their feelings for him.

Shiro's mind was so overwhelmed with simultaneous hate for the paladins and the memories of their insults and kindness that he pushed through them and ran, ran to lock himself in a far off room. No one bothered coming after him or to check on him, even after he stayed there for hours on end, and it was then he realised that they really were faking their feelings to him.

If they could do it, so could he.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback?


	4. Fake It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very small surprise at the end of the chapter (ok more like guilty pleasure let me drown in Shallura hell). Then it truly disintegrates.

Shiro was alone.

After his outburst earlier he had run from the others and locked himself in what seemed to be an old meeting room. He was partly embarrassed at himself and how he'd lost control, recalling the shocked looks on the faces of the others. The more their faces swam in his head the more he shrunk into himself, just trying to block it all out. It was so hard,  _so hard_ to differentiate between what had really happened and what Haggar had scarred him into thinking.

But, the longer he was left to his own devices, the longer he was left to think. It was like a war was raging in his mind, destroying his walls and exposing his emotions. Despite everything, Shiro kept trying to tell himself that it was nothing more than another nightmare because he was honestly too scared to face his friends, the only friends he really had. He was too scared to let them really see what he'd become and to see how weak he was in this moment.

Out of the blue, the door hissed open. Soft footsteps made their way towards him before stopping a few feet away. Shiro lifted his head from his hands just enough to see who it was; it was Allura. Who else had he hoped would come find him?

"Shiro?" Allura said uncertainly, meeting his hardened eyes. He quickly hid himself in his hands again, curling into as small of a ball as he could. "Perhaps you're not in the mood for talking, but if it's alright with you, I'd like to get you into a cryo-pod to heal, at least for the rest of the day." She stood quietly, awaiting any form of acknowledgement. Her patience finally paid off when Shiro slowly got to his feet, nearly stumbling. "This way," she murmured, taking his hand. He hung his head like he'd gotten scolded and trailed behind Allura. Several times she had to tug on his hand to remind him to keep moving, because he would suddenly stop in the middle of the hall.

When they got to the cryo-pods Shiro suddenly threw Allura's hand away and backed off, bewilderment and fear swimming on his face. Allura reached out for him but he smacked her away.

"Please, Shiro! I'm not trying to hurt you. The cryo-pod won't hurt you. Listen," she went on gently, "if you're worried about it, I'll stay here and wait with you. I'll sit right outside of the cryo-pod to make sure everything is alright. When you come out, I'll be there for you. I won't leave you alone."

The last sentence perked Shiro's attention and he looked at Allura with such happiness that she couldn't help but beam at him. He gave a timid smile in return and slowly stepped into the cryo-pod. He kept his eyes locked with Allura's as the door slid closed, and as he drifted off to sleep, Allura sat right next to him and leaned on the pod. The last thing Shiro saw was her smile, and for a moment he could be sure of himself that Allura would never, never be mean to him.

* * *

When Shiro woke up, he was surprised to find that the others had joined Allura. He felt a stab of guilt at the wary looks that they gave him, but when he wrapped Pidge in a hug, they noticeably relaxed.

"Good to see you too, Shiro," Pidge mumbled, her head buried in Shiro's chest. Shiro chuckled and released Pidge, who was grateful for the fresh air.

"Feeling alright, Shiro?" Hunk and Keith asked in near unison. Lance snorted and mimicked them.

"Well, I can tell you for sure that I feel much better than before."

Keith let out a sigh of relief and Hunk cheered, doing a little dance.

Coran popped into the small crowd to give Shiro a pat on the shoulder. "Always glad to see you smiling! I think I was more worried than the princess, to be honest."

Shiro beamed at the Altean, who gave him a cheeky grin in return. "Say, Coran, what time is it? I've lost track of it over the past...days? Weeks?"

"No worries," Coran chuckled, "It's thirty tics past one in the morning."

"Is it really?" Lance said suddenly, eyes bugging out. "No. I'm going to bed right now or I'm not gonna have enough sleep."

"You get up at ten as it is, Lance. Do you really need eleven hours of sleep?" Keith grumbled.

"I do, in fact! I need as much beauty sleep as I can get. You should get some beauty sleep too, Keith." Leaning in close, he whispered, "It'd do you some good."

Keith rolled his eyes and walked away stiffly. "I'm going to go to sleep so that I don't have to listen to Lance any longer." After a few moments of planning Lance jogged after him, hoping to get in a few more words.

"I better make sure they don't get into a fistfight..." Hunk groaned, stretching. Pidge snickered and pulled out what seemed to be a camcorder.

"If they do get up to something, I'm gonna film it and find a way to blackmail them." Pidge ran off in the direction of Lance and Keith, forcing Hunk to chase after her.

"Pidge, no! You can't blackmail Lance! That man knows how to ruin lives!" 

Shiro watched them run off fondly as Allura came up beside him. Seeing her filled him with a renewed vigor and he was quick to grab her hand.

 

"If you don't mind, I'd...like to go for a bit of a walk with you?" Allura quickly nodded and fell in stride with Shiro as they meandered around the castle.

"How do you feel, Shiro?"

He shrugged. "I guess I feel better? I'm not tired for once. I feel calmer, too. It's almost like...whatever they just did to me, it's almost like it's been undone, a bit."

"I'm delighted to hear that!" The princess had a hard time keeping the childish excitement out of her voice, but it didn't matter. Shiro was smiling softly, and everything she said only seemed to lift him up more.

"But," he sighed, "I still feel like there's a bit in the back of my mind, just camping there. I wish I could just forget it, forget it all."

"Repressing things can be bad, Shiro. Sometimes it's better to just let it out."

For a long while neither of them spoke. They continued walking around until they settled in the kitchen to talk over steaming cups of what Allura said was tea.

Shiro cleared his throat several times before managing to speak. "Haggar made me...she made these nightmares for me. They said it was my, my 'treatment'. The first one was one where you...where the paladins and you were locked in the locker room of the training room, and the, the bad version of me was there. You were hurt, there was blood everywhere. I, I knocked him out but when I got to you you had collapsed and when I opened the door you were all dead and there was blood everywhere and suddenly I was him it was like he didn't exist, it was just me the whole time doing everything, hurting you and the others and it happened over and over, every night and the only thing I could see was just the blood and the look on your face that I had, had let you down, and then-"

Allura cut him off. His rambling was quickly becoming unintelligible, fast and low and too much at once to process. "Breathe, Shiro."

He hadn't realised that he was holding his breath. He let it out with a shudder and rested his head in his hands, elbows propped on the table. It felt like he had pins and needles all over and he was all of a sudden so tense, so alert, like he was on a tightrope. The concerned hand that Allura placed on his shoulder caused the pins and needles to feel like knives and swords and he lurched away, nearly blinded by the sudden change in feeling. He was jittery all over and his mind began to buzz like a hive of angry bees.

"Shiro."

He abruptly stood and long strides took him far from Allura, far from the light and to a darker part of the kitchen.

"Shiro, come back." It was like she didn't exist, because Shiro kept moving further away.

" _Takashi._ " Allura said firmly, albeit hesitantly. She'd never called him that name before and she didn't know how he'd react; seeing him freeze in place with his eyes wide open worried her that she shouldn't have said it. "It wasn't you. You didn't do those things. There  _is_ no 'bad version' of you. You know that, I know that, and the others know it as well. Something you also know is that I'm stronger than you think." She continued talking, voice now confident as she slowly walked over to Shiro, who still hadn't moved. "Even if you did lose control, even if something bad did happen, I would be able to handle it. I know that, right now, you're not in the best state of mind. I can only imagine the things that Haggar and the Galra have put you through, but I want you to know that I'll never leave you to bear the weight of the things they've done to you alone."

They were eye to eye, barely inches from each other. Allura had kept creeping closer and closer to Shiro, subtly demanding all of his attention. She had her hands on his face and wouldn't let him look away because she needed him to look at her and see that she was being wholeheartedly serious.

"If ever you feel weak, know that I am here for you. I'll be strong when you cannot. You don't have to go through life alone..." She trailed off as she noticed Shiro giving her a look that was almost... _hungry_. He no longer seemed bewildered, but now determined. "Are you alright, Shiro?"

Shiro blinked slowly before leaning towards her. For a moment Allura was frightened because the menacing look Shiro gave her was enough to send any of the other paladins running, but when he closed his eyes and put his lips to hers the thought flew out of her mind. 

They stood there, in the corner of the kitchen, enjoying the warmth of each other. Something that Allura had occasionally thought of was now being brought to life and she couldn't help but smile against Shiro's gentle but persistent kiss. It melted from a carefree kiss to something needier as Shiro pulled her closer, closer than she thought was hardly allowed with him. Their bodies melded together and Allura turned to putty in his strong arms as he brought his right arm from the back of her head to rest on the back of her neck.

Shiro, on the other hand...his mind was simultaneously racing and spluttering. He was... _finally_ kissing Allura. He was worried she'd reject him, but as she deepened the kiss he knew that she was as happy as he was. He couldn't help but feel how trusting she was of him, how much of her guards she had really put down for him. She was weak in his arms and he was the strong one holding her from collapsing. The small gasps and moans she let out only wired him up more. Shiro kissed her deeper and tightened his hold on her neck, not wanting ever for her to run away. Subconsciously he kept tightening his grip until Allura stopped kissing him; her lips were slightly parted and she patted on his chest half-frantic, half-confused. Shiro noticed that his thumb had come around to the front of Allura's throat and he found himself squeezing harder. It took more than a few moments for him to realize that he was not, in fact, in control of himself. Allura began strongly pushing him away but he counteracted her movement by pinning her to the wall with both hands on her neck, squeezing like it was the only thing he could do. 

Allura's face of fear flickered to one of hate in Shiro's mind. " _I hate you..."_ she wheezed, " _I trusted you...we all did..."_ The words stung and Shiro blinked back angry tears. He couldn't tell if she was saying it or if it was just in his head, but her screams joined a cacophony of the other paladin's voices. 

_"Kill the princess...she hates you! Do you think that she... **loved** you by kissing you? She's faking it!"_

The voice was in his head, the same voice that he heard in his cell. Shiro let out an angry yell, accompanied with tears. Even as Allura began fighting back he wouldn't let her go. Now, there was blood rushing through his veins and he felt so powerful. Everything was amplified by his anger.

He wanted to stop, just _stop_ hurting her and be able to have full control over himself, but he felt like a robot being controlled with a controller from far away. He wanted to believe that she felt more for him than just friendship, but each blow she landed knocked those struggling thoughts away.

"Surprise, Princess. I... _hate_...you."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feeeeeeeddddddbbbbbaaaaaaacccccckkkkkk. Thanks.


	5. Undo

It was laughable that Shiro, or rather, whoever was controlling him, thought that he could overpower Allura. She always went easy on him, even if she didn't show it, because she knew she could break him. But now, when his hands were wrapped around her neck and his eyes were more vacant than outer space, she knew what she had to do. 

Allura ripped Shiro's hands from her neck and planted a hard kick in the middle of his chest. He flew across the kitchen and smashed into the opposite wall hard enough to dent it, but he got up like it was nothing at all and began advancing on her. Shiro began swinging his fists, aiming only for Allura's head. They were too powerful to counter, but Allura could dodge them and land a strike on Shiro when he was cocking back his other arm. 

It pained Allura to see Shiro's face so contorted with anger. He truly wasn't himself-he was more of a mindless brute at this point.

" _Shiro!_ You need to  _stop!_ " Allura yelled, shoving him away yet again. He responded with a loud roar and charged at her like a bull. The pummeling of his footsteps seemed abnormally loud until Allura realized that Hunk was banging on the kitchen door, plastered to the window. She met his eyes desperately, only for him to shake his head and frantically point in front of her. Easily she sidestepped his charge, allowing him to skid to a stop before he crashed into the wall. 

Meanwhile, Hunk was prying open the door, which seemed to have locked itself. After a few too many attempts, he gave up on being civil and rammed his shoulder against it. It was ripped free of the doorway and slammed to the ground, causing both Allura and Shiro to jump.  

"Now, I don't know what your deal is, but I don't care. I'm not going to let this go on any longer, Shiro."

Shiro laughed mechanically, his smile not reaching his eyes. "Oh? And what will you do?"

"Whatever I need to." Obviously that answer, that _threat_ , meant nothing to Shiro, because he turned his attention back to the princess.

Allura's voice was steady when she spoke, but it was very obvious that she was struggling to keep her cool. "Hunk, I need you to restrain him. I suspect that something is wrong with his mind, like he was brainwashed. Before...before he attacked me, he told me about the nightmares that were made for him. Although I think that I didn't hear about all of them, I believe it's safe to say that any other ones he had changed the way he thought about us. I may be able to send enough energy through his mind to do somewhat of a reset."

Hunk nodded quickly and went to grab Shiro's arms, only to be sucker-punched in the gut. To him, though, it felt like almost nothing. Shiro snarled and began to writhe madly when Hunk pulled his arms behind his back. Despite his strength, Hunk far outmatched him, and there was no way he could ever overpower him. "You better get on with it before he slices me in half, if you know what I mean." Despite his momentary cool demeanor, Hunk eyed Shiro's Galran arm with a renewed fear. 

Wordlessly, Allura swooped forward and placed her hands on Shiro's temples. He kicked at her and attempted to bite her, but the moment she closed her eyes and concentrated, he went stiff. Shiro's face was frozen, scrunched up in pain. His teeth were clenched and his whole body was as rigid as a board, yet Allura showed no signs acknowledging that he was hurting. She furrowed her brows deeper, shut her eyes tighter, concentrating on Shiro and Shiro only. 

The lights flickered once, twice, three times before steadying again, and when they did, Shiro was collapsed on the floor. 

"What did you do?! Did you fix him or did you short circuit his brain?" Hunk cried, dropping to Shiro's side. 

"He's fine, Hunk. Go get the others, would you?"

Hunk nodded quickly and hurried to get up before slowly sitting back down.

"There's no need, princess." Coran stood off to the side, where the other paladins gathered. They all stood there in their pajamas, hair tussled and eyes half open. "Hunk woke me before running down here, and I gathered the rest of the paladins."

"Is Shiro alright?" Keith whispered, voice hoarse. He was trying to pretend that he was only as concerned as the others, but the fear in his eyes shone clear.

"I'm fine," Shiro suddenly wheezed. He didn't sit up, but he moved his head just enough to look at Allura. "I'm sorry." And in those words Allura could hear how his voice broke, and she could see how the low lighting of the kitchen was enough to show the shimmer of tears in his eyes. 

Before she could say anything to comfort him, to tell him it wasn't his fault, he passed out. 

* * *

"I've lost contact with him."

"How is that possible? I thought you said this method was fail-proof, especially after all the hard work you put into him."

"I thought it _was_ fail-proof, but they have found a way to undo what I did. My deepest apologies. I can try-"

" _Enough_ , Haggar. We will do it my way. We know where their ship is right now. We will go to them and I will implement  _my_ method, and it will not fail. Go alert Sendak and have him prepare a smaller ship."

"Yes, my lord."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back-feed.


End file.
